The Rose on the Heath
by Servatia
Summary: An attempt to tackle the aftermath of the forced meld in Mirror, Mirror. Rated T out of caution.


_((Originally written for Spiced Peaches XXXIX._

_Title is explained in the text. About time I post this bunch.))_

* * *

_The Rose on the Heath_

My report for the Captain was finished. At last. It was difficult to go through the past hours again. I felt strangely reluctant to think about the visitors from the other universe. Their outward resemblance of our crew was in stark contrast to their personalities. Jim Kirk a fanatical, half insane man. Uhura trying to buy her freedom by offering her body. Scott threatening to kill her rather than let her give herself to me. And Leonard … my Leonard, a cowardly creature, aggressive but frightened. Frightened of me, no less.

I had to remind myself that the creature screaming insults at me had not, in fact, been _my_ Leonard; that despite our outwardly offensive banter, neither of us truly wished to hurt the other. This man, however, had meant every word he had said, and at the same time, he had been so afraid. Little more than an animal trapped by a predator and lashing out uselessly. The Rose on the Heath … Schubert's song came to mind against my wish. I pushed it aside and sent Jim my report. Then I went to see Leonard, to reassure myself of his safety and his love. He had told me just before they had left, and again, I could not return the words. I would rectify that right now. He deserved better.

A sense of foreboding filled me when I stood before his quarters, and for a moment I wanted to announce myself. We had long agreed that each of us had permission to enter the other's quarters whenever we felt like it. Chiding myself inwardly, I just stepped into sensor range and entered.

Leonard was at his desk. When the door opened, I saw him jump. He stared at me and swallowed. 'What d'you want?' His tone was harsh, and the ominous feeling from before returned.

'I wished to see you, Leonard. I shall leave, of course, if I am unwelcome.'

'Then get the hell out.' I hesitated. I had said I would go … but I was reluctant. Something must have happened in that other universe, something terrible. If I merely walked away, I would not help anyone.

'Doctor, I believe that we should discuss … this.' I used his title now, hoping that I would trigger his professionalism.

'This? You crashing into my quarters unannounced? Or what else? Why Jim's allowing you to stay, is beyond me, really. I'll tell him that. I don't think I ever did.' I stared at him, attempting not to be hurt and failing.

'I do not believe that I have done anything that warrants such an outburst.' For an illogical moment I thought that something had gone wrong, that this was the other ship's McCoy. But that could not be. 'Doctor, what happened on the other ship? Did my counterpart harm you in any way?' I received a bark of a laughter.

'Your counterpart was exactly as you are. Hardened and incapable of any sort of emotion.'

'Leonard, you know that this is not true.' I successfully fought the urge to either grab and kiss him until he understood or to run away. 'I … Len, I love you.' The words I had intended to say once I got a chance came out. I had expected, before this conversation, that he would smile at me, delighted at the fact that I could voice my feelings. But now, this would not happen.

'You don't love,' he said coolly. 'You've never loved anything. Not even yourself, and certainly not me. Now get lost.' Defeated, I did as he had told me. It seemed that whatever had been between us had come to an abrupt end.

Ϡ

Working with the Doctor became increasingly difficult. I still hoped that eventually I would understand what had driven him away, but he was not forthcoming. Jim was sympathetic, but he had no idea either. He told us both that we needed to get a grip, as he put it, and he hinted to me that he understood I was not the cause of the tension. I was not so certain. Perhaps I was blind to something I had done. Without knowing what that was, however, I could neither apologise nor try to make it up.

It took an almost unbearable amount of time before my chance to understand the problem arrived. We were sent to a planet that had a quarantine in place, and the disease in question couldn't affect humans or Vulcans. So it was he and I that ended up on the planet surface, hoping to offer whatever assistance we could.

It was difficult work we had to do. The best shield could only withstand so much, and ever since the crossover, meditation had been difficult, to say the least. The agony in which the patients were was palpable, their fear a constant onslaught on my mind. After a full week of almost no sleep and too much contact with sick humanoids, I had finally decided that I needed to meditate if I wanted to remain functional.

Before we would be able to return to the ship, we needed to spend ten days in seclusion. The virus could not survive in our systems longer than that. On the ship, we could not infect anyone, but we were carriers and on another planet with different lifeforms we would be a threat if we reached our destination before we were definitely virus-free.

Unable to go to my quarters for that very reason, I retreated to the outside of the town. It was part of the quarantine and under surveillance, but I knew the perimeter, and close to it, I was likely to be alone.

Finding the peace I needed was challenging. The longer I refrained from meditation, the more difficult it became, and the anguish of the people I was dealing with did the rest. But here, at the side of a pond, leaning against a tree, I managed to slip into a low level of meditation. For a short while, I would have peace.

When I allowed my surroundings to reclaim me, I found I was being watched. 'Why did you follow me, Doctor?' I did not allow myself hope. McCoy glared at me.

'I didn't. Not really.' He leaned forwards. 'You see, I just wanted a quiet place. In one direction we have the storage buildings, in one we have the road, in one we have … pretty much nothing, and then we have here. Not too far from the hospital, no less, and quiet. I hope I didn't disturb you.' This was the closest thing to a civil conversation we had had since his return three weeks, two days, and four hours ago. I cherished even this.

'No.' I watched Leonard. He looked older than he should. He had always been slender, but now he was so thin he looked fragile, as if a gust of wind could carry him away. I scolded myself inwardly for the picture. 'Are you quite well, Doctor?' The human's eyebrows were slightly asymmetrical, the curve of the left one more pronounced. When he lifted it, that was emphasised further. It was … it was adorable. I should not think about him like this, not anymore, but I could not help it. 'You look ill.' It was true. The man was way too pale on top of his less than well-fed appearance.

'Spock, we've spent the last eight days with too little sleep, eating hastily between shifts, watching more and more people die and unable to do much other than make them comfortable. I feel completely inadequate and helpless. I don't like it, and it's wearing me out.' His voice had risen constantly. Now, he lowered his head. 'God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Spock. You don't need this.' My discipline demanded that I brush the apology off and move on. My instincts demanded something entirely different. For a long moment I was torn. When I failed to react, Leonard looked at me with slight worry. 'Spock … I don't get it. What changed you?' I could not fathom what he meant.

'I assure you that I have not changed in any way.'

'Don't play dumb. You've shown … quite some compassion for our charges. You've given more of yourself than duty demands. I expected you to murder everyone who was ill. You killed Eleen for no reason, why not them?' I searched my mind for any Eleen I might have harmed. I remembered one woman of that name, but I had not touched her. Why should I have?

'I have to confess that I do not know to whom you are referring.' He shook his head and stood. This time I would not let him walk away. I rose quickly and stopped him with a hand on his arm. 'Leonard, whom did I kill?'

'Well, let's start. You killed Eleen for no reason except that she annoyed you. You nearly got us all killed when you forced me to get you out from under the rock on Taurus II. You injected me with an untested serum on that odd planet with the centuries old kids.' The icy glare cut through my confusion that had only increased with Leonard's monologue. 'You're a ruthless creature, a machine that sees only for its own safety. You …'

'Doctor, I must demand that you cease and desist. I have done none of these things.' Quite the contrary, in fact. I was now certain that Leonard did, in fact, mean the Eleen I had been thinking of: a pregnant woman we had all attempted to coax into wanting to live – and somehow, Leonard had managed. On Taurus two I had sent Leonard and the others away, and on Miri's world, I had been shocked at Leonard's self-sacrificing act when he injected himself with an untried vaccine. 'Have you been telling this any of the crew?'

'What for? They were there.'

'Doctor … speak to someone who witnessed these events.'

'You don't let anyone witness your cruelty. You just don't care when I'm around because you know I can't speak to anyone.' That was the second time Leonard had said something that was not only false, but also impossible.

'Why can you not?' He frowned, either in thought or anger. 'And how did I force you to rescue me?'

'Through the link you forced upon me, of course.'

'What link? If there is a link, you can find it. Search, Doctor, search your mind for something that is not part of you.' He opened his mouth and closed it.

'It was there, I know it was.' I shook my head slowly.

'You need someone to examine you.' Ideally, that would be me, but I was uncertain if he would let me. 'I do not know what caused this, but I suspect that my counterpart assaulted you and created your false memories. I assure you that I never forced you or anyone to do anything, let alone something that would endanger them.' I took a step forward and was relieved when Leonard did not retreat. 'You see me now, in this situation, and apparently my actions are incongruous with your memories of my person.' I decided to make a leap of faith. 'I refuse to believe that you feel nothing for me but repulsion. If there is still some love for me in you, some trace of the faith you used to have in me, let me meld with you. Let me see if I can help you.' He appeared to be wavering, looked from me to the direction of the hospital as if he wondered if he could reach it fast enough if he ran away from me. 'I will not force you. This is an offer and a request. We used to be a couple. I want … I want to have you back, Len. I want you to love me again as you used to.' I lowered my voice. 'If you ignore what you think you remember, could you not love the man you are observing?' He swallowed.

'I … don't know if this isn't all just an act.'

'On the ship, I will be able to prove one thing to you: that Eleen is alive and well. You delivered her child, a healthy young boy. I can prove that.' I reached out for him, unable to stop myself. 'Leonard, please. There must be a part of you that knows this is wrong.' According to Jim, Leonard was not alone with the other Spock for long, so whatever this was, it had to be shallow. His eyes were boring into mine, no longer cold but infinitely sad. And then he nodded, and my suppressed hope surged. I reached out, not quite with the intention to perform the meld, but my fingers settled on his face as if on their own accord, the blue eyes closed in a mixture of anticipation and dread, and I began …

Ϡ

'Spock? Spock, take it easy. Breathe. Yeah, that's it. God, you gave me a heart attack.' That alerted me. I sat up abruptly, felt the room spinning around me, but did not care.

'Then you should certainly not be standing here,' I said more sharply than I had intended. 'Lie down and … Leonard, this is hardly a laughing matter.'

'It's a metaphor. Spock … I'm fine. You're the one who collapsed. Hell, at least you slept for a while.'

'The patients, they …'

'Are dying with or without you. Stay. Put. That's an order.' I recognised the no-nonsense tone all too well. 'You know what happened?' Indeed I did. Why was a different matter entirely. Although I had a vague idea.

'I could not meld with you.'

'I noticed. Why?' There was a trace of fear in Leonard's voice. I reached out and snatched a hand.

'We will find out. Leonard, I assure you, I am well and can return to our task.'

'You sure?'

'Yes. We will discuss this at a later time. But now, Doctor, we have people who require our help, such as we can offer.' Only then he removed his hand from mine. He even smiled at me, and for the first time I sincerely believed that all would be well in the end.

Ϡ

I slipped out of the deep meditation, taking my time to orientate myself in the familiarity of my quarters on the new Enterprise. All this has happened in another lifetime. For me, literally. I have since died. Leonard might say, twice. He considered the failed Kohlinar nothing else than an unsuccessful suicide attempt. He was not entirely wrong.

After the crisis on that planet, we had, painstakingly, established that Leonard's distorted memories were indeed caused by my counterpart, and little by little, he had allowed me to correct what had been done to him. His violent reaction to my attempt to initiate mental contact became less strong over time, and after a while he allowed me to heal him. What had been done to him was a very serious crime in our universe. I had a hard time imagining any incarnation of me would commit it, but it was undoubtedly true. Rose on the heath, indeed.

Now that all was said and done, I was facing a decision. I could return to my home planet. I could also remain in Starfleet like my fellow officers. Jim had asked me to stay. Leonard had not expressed an opinion. I knew what he wanted, but I was uncertain if I could offer it. After the air had cleared, we had resumed our relationship. I had hoped that we would bond eventually, but Leonard always refused. And in the end, I could not remain. I would need a bond when the fever hit me, and I did not want to hurt Leonard because I did not have that. So I removed myself to Gol, hoping to extinguish the flames before they came and to forget the man I would have chosen as my bondmate.

My lack of success meant that I needed to find one now. I was more than reluctant to do so. Neither the study of Vulcan discipline nor my death had done anything to dim my love for one Doctor Leonard McCoy. But I would not simply wait until pon farr claimed my life. I would do the logical thing: return home and find a mate. I did not have a choice. Leonard deserved to know this, now that my decision was made. I wanted to signal him when he contacted me on the intercom. Ever since the fal-tor-pan I have been wondering if he has some slight telepathic gift. On more than one occasion he knew what I would say or do before even I did.

'Spock here,' I said unnecessarily.

'Spock … can I come over?' I agreed at once. I did not wish to bring this particular conversation on, but I had to.

He entered in a robe, his face slightly pale. He looked frightened. I was uncertain why. 'It's like this,' he said without preamble. 'I think I know what you're going to do, and I don't like it.' I merely raised an eyebrow, prompting him to continue. 'You'll leave. You'll leave, and you'll forget me.'

'I shall never be able to do that, Leonard.' It was true. I had tried. It would never work. 'I do have to leave, however.'

'Spock … before you went to Gol, we were … do you even remember that?'

'I remember everything.' He nodded and looked up at me, but only for a moment. Then he studied his feet.

'I miss you. I have since the refusion. I feel that there was something there that's gone now, and I want it back.' He glanced up, searched my face, and seemed satisfied because he did not look away again. 'I miss sensing your presence. It took me a while to understand what you'd done to me, but once I did, I realised you weren't entirely gone. And now … sometimes I think I can sense you, but when I try and grasp that, it fades, and I feel … so lonely.' The healers told me they were uncertain if the fal-tor-pan had been complete. I had, so far, had reason to believe that some residual connection between us remained: such little incidents as before, moments where we thought or did the same thing without knowing it. Apparently, the same was true for Leonard. I also could not help wondering if Leonard was, in his own, divergent way, giving me the only other option, the one thing I would not have dared ask of him again.

'I miss what we shared as well,' I told him because that was the truth. 'I cannot, however, return to it.' I saw the disappointment as clear as if he had spelled it out for me. I needed to continue speaking before he had a chance to flee, needed him to understand. 'I cannot have a relationship of the kind we shared before. Not with you and not with anyone. I am not human. I require a bond. This is not open to negotiation.' He took a step towards me. Now he was so close that I could have kissed him if I just leant forwards. I forced myself not to.

'And if I want just that? Spock, if you don't want me as your mate, just say so and I'll leave. But if that's all that's keeping you away … God, I want this. You. I want to be joined with you again. I miss you so damn much.' My hands found their way to Leonard's shoulders on their own account.

'Are you certain?' He nodded and tried to hide a small sob. His hands came to rest on my sides, caressing me lightly.

'I lost you once and got you back because of Jim's sheer stubbornness. I can't let you slip away from me now. I just can't.' He reached up and touched my cheek. My eyes closed and I turned into the caress, felt his warm fingers on my face, felt his closeness … I was in bliss.

'When?' was all I managed to ask.

'How 'bout now?' I felt his breath whispering against my lips and closed the distance. I was uncertain how long the kiss lasted. That in itself was remarkable. When I pulled away, the colour had returned to his face and his respiration rate was increased.

'I believe such an act should not be taken lightly,' I managed to say.

'Honey, I've loved you for years, and that won't change. I'll love you till I die.' Leonard froze in my arms and pulled away. 'Oh. I understand. Of course.' I had no idea what he meant. I still could not think properly, my mind fogged by the intensity of the kiss we had shared. 'I shouldn't have asked that of you. I just thought because you'd asked me so long ago you'd still want that. But of course, you wouldn't want to be in my place. Hell, _I _don't want you to be in my place. To feel you ripped away from me was so horrible, I don't want you to go through that.'

'Oh. Leonard, no.' He was still facing me, so I took the step that brought us within an arm's reach again. 'That is not my reason. I shall paraphrase. I will attempt to create a bond with you, but you may need more preparation.' I lowered my voice, allowed my need for him to colour it. 'I recall that the first few times when I penetrated you, you needed time to adjust to that intrusion as well. As did I when you did the same for me.' Leonard flushed.

'Yes. Well, then prepare me, Spock, if you still want it …' I pressed my lips against Leonard's again, silencing him.

'I do. Perhaps we should sit down.' I led him to the bed by my hand. 'I believe we should tell Jim that we want to share quarters.'

'Yes.'

'I shall do so first thing tomorrow.' Leonard's eyes were so full of trust that I wondered if perhaps it could not truly be now. But I had to be patient. I would see. We both would.

For the first time since my death, my fingers came to rest on Leonard's temple. The last time, I had felt the automatic resistance most humans showed. It was nothing I could not brush aside without damage as long as it was merely the natural reaction. That was only the case when the person in question had given their consent. A meld against a struggling mind risked the person's sanity. I shuddered at the thought that my Leonard could have been broken beyond healing by what my counterpart had done to him.

At any rate, this time, there was not even the token resistance of a defenceless human mind. On the contrary, I was embraced, cradled, loved. I could have lost myself in the sensation, but I had a task to perform.

A bond must be rooted deeply inside another's mind. Leonard was not a Vulcan, so he could not assist me, but he let me delve deeply into the very centre of his being.

What I found was the mental equivalent to a freshly healed wound where the skin was still tender. I touched him, his core, the essence of who he was, let him feel me deeply merged with him. In a way, this was more intimate than sexual intercourse could be. Intercourse without a bond, that is.

I extricated myself slowly, despite his attempts to keep me close. 'No, Len,' I said quietly. 'You need to heal.' I put my hand on the back of Leonard's head and hugged him close to me, caressing him gently, hoping to reassure him. 'I felt the depth of your love for me. That in itself is a gift I cherish.'

'I felt it, too, you know. From you. I thought … I thought when you couldn't remember anything you'd have to fall in love with me all over again, and that that would take ages if it happened at all.'

'Leonard … that I would refuse to speak of my feelings for you if I am uncertain of your response is a likely scenario. But that I do not love you … that is impossible.' It fascinated me how true my words were.

'Spock … can I stay here?' I took Leonard's chin and tilted his face up.

'I had hoped you would.' I shifted closer and pulled him into another kiss. This time, I let my tongue slide between his lips. I was welcomed eagerly. I forced myself to pull away. My composure was in tatters, my control slipping. I could not allow that. Unless … 'Leonard … Now that we have agreed to bond once you are ready, do we have to wait?'

'You don't want to? What if it takes me a year?'

'Then I wait for a year. But I … I want you. I want to feel you.' I pushed him down and covered him with my body. 'I want to be inside you and to have you inside me. I want to worship every inch of your body. I want to taste your sweat and your seed.' At this I rubbed against him, felt him respond – and pulled away. I forced myself to sit still, hands folded in my lap. 'Of course, if you ask me to wait until we are bonded, I will honour that request.'

'I _request_ you to get back where you just were, you sneaky elf. However, on second thought …' And then, he tackled me with surprising strength, straddling me and raining kisses on my face. 'Think you can turn me on like that and walk away? Think again.' I offered no resistance. Leonard held me pinned down and looked at me, dishevelled but controlled. More than I felt, at any rate. 'Trust me to bond with you even if we do this now? That I'm not taking advantage of you?'

'I do.' When Leonard bent down to kiss me again, it was gentle and warm.

'Very well. But you're not the one going to worship me. Not tonight.' He brushed the hair out of my face and looked down at me, so close, so perfect. 'Tonight, you're gonna get cossetted, honey. God knows you deserve it. And now lie still. Let Len take care of you.' I caught his arms and looked up at him. I was drowning in an ocean of affection and I had to share it.

'Len, I love you.' He stilled above me and stared. His lower lip trembled and he nodded, just once, the stricken look transforming into one of unadulterated joy.

'I know. I love you too.'

The rose on the heath had not been broken. One flower had been plucked, but the plant had survived. And it was gifting me with a thousand blossoms, mine to cherish but never to destroy.


End file.
